Fill Your Well

{disclaimer: I wrote this about 8 months ago, when my daughter was about 7 months old, and I was struggling to find time to do anything that made me feel like a real person! Between multiple naps and feedings each day, it was impossible to do anything for myself!  Late one night I was laying in bed, annoyed that I hadn’t been to the gym in WEEKS, and I wrote these thoughts on my phone.  Almost like a “dear diary” post. My secret mom thoughts and frustrations. And although she now eats 3 meals a day and takes 1 nap, these feelings still creep in! Once you become a mom I don’t think they ever go away! And now I’m putting my selfish ways out there for the whole world to read. ha ha.)

Lately I’ve been extremely frustrated with trying to get to the gym! And I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I am a “gym rat.” Ok maybe that’s a little ambitious. But I definitely thrive off the vibe of a gym. Especially group fitness. I love being motivated and encouraged by others around me. I’ve tried the workout-at-home method and that lasted for 21 days. And then my fingers never found the “play” button again!  Besides…how am I supposed to feel motivated when I can’t secretly compare myself to the lady next to me and attempt, at all costs, to show her up when in actuality she doesn’t even know I exist! Sad! I know! Anywho – moral of the story – I need to physically GO. TO. A. GYM.

Well that’s a great and grand concept when you don’t have a kid. Heck, I used to stay for 2 and 3 hours. But these days I’m trying to work around food and naps and food and naps. I mean by the time I get P up and dressed and in the car (I’ve even taken to letting her feed herself a bottle in the car seat…go ahead! Call social services!) and we get there, I really have like an hour before she needs a nap. Well guess what? Most classes are AT LEAST an hour.  And then you throw in the fact that the gyms daycare closes at 2pm (a few locations stay open until 4…yippee) and my kid is on a weird baseball schedule and sleeps until 10am just so we can have 10 seconds of family time each day. Now you’ve cut my window of available time down to 3 hours. MAX. Out of the ENTIRE DAY! And what are the odds that there are ANY classes I actually want to take in that 3 hour window? You see of course my issue!

So what to do? Well, I’ve decided that my gym schedule is more important than my kids sleep schedule. That’s awful right? Even I’m second guessing myself. I am the queen of schedules. I preach sleep schedules. Anyone who knows me, knows that I researched the heck out of sleep training before I even announced I was pregnant. But, MY sanity, health, and well-being to function as a mom trumps my kid’s schedule. A schedule that she’s had for a grand total of a few months of her very short life! Yep! That’s what I decided! Of course I feel guilty and can’t believe I’m even admitting to this! But why? Why as moms do we feel this extreme guilt whenever we choose to do something for ourselves? Especially if it inconveniences our child? God forbid you actually care about YOURSELF! I’m hoping this just means we are good moms! Because we want what is best for our child ALL the time. Even if it means we come second, or third, or dead last on the side of the road with a flat tire! But you know what? Me going to the gym IS what’s best for my child! Because it’s what’s best for me! Which ultimately comes back to her!

So tomorrow morning I will be scooping my sweet-little-champion-12-hour-a-night-sleeper up 2 hours early to make it to a cycle class. And she will survive! And I will feel like a million bucks! And she will take an extra long nap tomorrow afternoon! ?

***end late night diary post***

So 8 months later I finally found validation for my selfish feelings while reading Emily Ley’s “Grace not Perfection.”  Thank God she talks about how it’s NOT ok to put yourself last! The title of “mom” does NOT come with a job description that reads “does not shower, does not put on makeup, does not put on real clothes, does not eat full meals, does not sleep, and does not workout because there is no time for yourself.” My favorite line in the 2nd chapter of Emily’s book reads “you can’t draw water from an empty well.” If you run yourself ragged, drain your tank, and don’t do a darn thing for yourself to refill it…you are worthless to everyone else! A team is only as good as its weakest link. And I can promise you one thing….your family is completely screwed if you are the weakest link! So go ahead…put yourself first ? It’s not selfish and it’s not going to make you less of a “mom”. In my opinion, it actually makes you one confident motha’ who knows her importance. Who knows that she deserves to put herself first in order to be there for everyone else! So if its waking someone up to get to the gym, or leaving someone in their crib to finish your devotional. Or even pretending you don’t hear “mommy mommy” for 5 extra minutes in the shower…go ahead and fill your well!

Happy Monday

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